Rocket Science
by Lala to the power of 2
Summary: The facts of life, love, and gays in the military as told by Cid Highwind and his emptying glass of whiskey. Implied RenoxCloud.


Tifa was getting seriously pissed. For almost a half hour she had been washing the same dish, the rag squeaking harshly against the side of the glass with each frustrated stroke of her hand. The patrons of 7th Heaven eyed the barmaid wearily.

Finally, Tifa could take no more, and subsequently, neither could the glass as it shattered in her angry clutches. "Arg! Where is that idiot! I sent him out to get a quart of tonic almost an hour ago! He should have been back after ten minutes! What the hell is he so late for?!"

Cid took a long drag of his cigarette before exhaling his opinion in a cloud of smoke. "Well, the old chocobo took that loud Turk with him, right? They probably got , ah, _detained_."

Rude spared the aviator a glance, though from behind his sunglasses, no one could really tell. "You think Cloud and Reno got arrested?"

Tifa sighed. "I don't think Cloud would, but with Reno...I wouldn't put it past them."

Yuffie shook her head quickly. "Nah, you would've gotten a phone call if those clowns were in jail."

"And Cloud's got his cell phone, so there probably wasn't an accident or we would have heard."

Tifa thought about Barret's statement for a moment. "Accident, huh...? Wait a minute- what if they're dead! They can't call if they're _dead!_"

Cid resisted the urge to throw his glass at her head. "Calm down, woman, they're not dead! And you idiots misunderstood what I was tryin' to say by 'detained', anyway."

He got a few blank stares.

Cid sighed. "I meant they're having sex."

Tifa almost exploded."WHAT?! You mean to tell me those two went and found _prostitutes _when I sent them on an errand?!"

"Can you even find hookers at this time of day?"

"You can find hookers any time of day, darlin'. _Anytime_."

Cid rolled his eyes, and took another drink. He swallowed heavily before mumbling into the back of his glass, "I meant with each other."

Despite the quietness of this statement, it seemed as though the whole bar heard, and subsequently turned to stare at him.

Tifa burst out laughing. "Cloud's not gay!"

"Past experience indicates that Reno's pretty fond of the girls himself." Rude added. "I don't think your theory holds much water there, Cid."

Smoke wafted through the air in a thick cloud as the old aviator scoffed. "You think a little thing like liking girls will stop two virile young men from goin' at each other?"

The others nodded.

"Let me ask you something, missy- you ever been in the military? I know old chocobo head was a SOLDIER, and if that's not military I don't know what is. And you Turks have military background, don't ya?"

Rude nodded "A certain amount, yes."

"Exactly." Cid lit a new cigarette and took a long drag, inhaling and dispelling the smoke before continuing. "Now, let me tell you a thing about the military. You spend a lot of time by yourself, with no one to keep you company but your own hand. You go long enough without seeing any women, not even a glimpse of soft hair or a sniff of perfume, and I'll tell you," Another drag of his cigarette, probably mostly for dramatic effect., "that sixteen-year-old trainee with the girly haircut and the doe-eyes starts to look pretty good.

"Another thing about the military is it's real dangerous. You never know what day might be your last, and you gotta make full use of 'em. What if you don't live to see your next shore leave? What if the last girl you ever kiss ends up being your mama when you left home for the army? You're gonna regret not having a fling with Private First Class Doe-Eyes when you had then chance when you find yourself getting your balls shot off by an enemy combatant.

"No, it ain't such an unusual thing, two men together. Working off their frustrations on each other. And with those two in particular- you seen what a pretty-boy Cloud is? I bet he was real popular with the other SOLDIERs. Probably got around quite a bit in his day, don't ya think? As a matter of fact, Sephiroth seemed pretty familiar with our boy Cloud when they met up, didn't they? And Cloud's got quite the grudge against that guy, even to this day. You 'spose old chocobo head's got more to this hatred than just him killing people? I'd wager they were quite familiar with each other back in the day, if you know what I mean."

The room seemed stunned into silence by Cid's speech, until Tifa twitched "Wait a minute- You weren't even in the military, Cid!"

"Nope. Never considered having sex with another man either; what's yer point?"

"So basically, all of that was complete and utter bullshit?"

"Fuck no, it wasn't. I may not have any personal experience in the matter, but that doesn't mean it ain't true."

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "So what, you're like, an expert in psychology now or something, old man?"

"I'm not claimin' to be Freud, girlie. I'm a goddamn rocket scientist is what I fucking am, and that means I'm smart enough to figure some fucking stuff out for myself. You ever wonder what makes the Highwind fly? Ever think about how we got that rocket into the air? That's me, you little twit, so don't talk to me like I'm a god damned moron. You oughta learn to respect your elders."

It was, quite conveniently, at this point that the door to 7th Heaven opened. Cloud entered with the commissioned tonic water, and Reno strolled in behind him at a leisurely pace. "Rejoice, yo! We have returned! With booze!"

Cloud presented the bottle to Tifa "Sorry it took so long, we had to go halfway across town to find it."

"Really now? Sure you two weren't off havin' a little hanky-panky while you're out of the missus's watchful eye?"

Reno laughed. "Nope! We save that for late at night,when we have a little more time, don't we Cloud?" He punctuated the sentence with a slap to Cloud's ass, much to the embarrassment of pretty much everyone present.

Cloud, to most everyone's (mild, at this point) surprise, blushed. "Shut up, Reno."

Yuffie gawked. "You mean that old coot was actually RIGHT about you two?!"

Cloud buried his reddened face in his hands, and quickly stalked out of the room. Reno laughed again.

Barret turned to Cid. "A'ight, now how the hell did you actually figure that out? You jest walk in on 'em or somethin'?"

Cid scoffed. "Thank god, no. I just seen the looks Red there's been giving old chocobo head, and I always thought_ that_ kid's gotta be gayer than a basket of English Muffins, so I figured it was bound to happen eventually. For Christ's sake, any fourth grader shoulda figured it out. And I told you didn't I? I'm a god damned rocket scientist."

* * *

AN: Spontaneous Fanfic Generation strikes again! Oh god, what is wrong with me? There really should be a wtf?! Category in by now. Or at least a crack category. I'm sorry. I don't know. It just happened. I swear I don't know why. 


End file.
